He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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