I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
