I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
that is very illegal...i love you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
