Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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