Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
