Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
