I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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