Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
