I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
