not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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