I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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