It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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