I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
