normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
