I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Let's get the cat blown out
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
