Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
