Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
