I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud ð³
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
when your dumb AF ex âaccidentallyâ venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... âsorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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