you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
