Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
