I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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