Already got asked if we're dating
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
