i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you inspire me to be a worse person
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
