You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I party with great urgency now.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
