this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
