I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
