There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My balls are so social today.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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