but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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