Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
