i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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