Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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