Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
