Your dad touched me again.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
