We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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