Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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