Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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