Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
