you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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