Your face is a jimmy john
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
