I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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