Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
