I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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