The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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