she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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