discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
