My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
