fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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