if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
