Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Your cock deserves a montage
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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