No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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