If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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