God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
