I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
